Hey Sweet Friends,
It’s been such a long time since I sat down to write. Partly because our wonderful, long awaited news brought with it a hurricane of morning sickness (which I am oddly thankful for) and also because the weeks between our positive test and our most recent ultrasound had me holding my breath. I know exactly what the sounds like.. like I have no faith at all.. but the truth is even though God is so faithful, I still struggle with the feelings of fear that I will have return this incredible gift like I did with the last baby.
Last Mother’s Day and every Mother’s day before that over the past 6 years I have sat in church with a lump in my throat and fresh tears on my cheeks as the pastor honored all the women who held the title of mama. Year after year I sat in my chair brokenhearted, feeling completely forgotten by God wondering if he would ever remember me. Right after I miscarried our first baby I found comfort in the story of Hannah, I read it night and day. 1 Samuel helped me to feel not so alone, it was the ultimate “me too” story. Hannah also had cried for years.. in fact she cried so hard while pleading to God she was thought to be drunk.. I too have ugly cried so hard while praying for God to remember me.
For many years leading up to our first miracle, I only read the parts that gave me the most comfort.. I summed it up like this: Hannah can’t get pregnant, she cries and prays a lot, finally God remembers her, she gets to have a baby! Hooray! I loved this version of the story so much my prayer became simple, whenever my heart was overwhelmed by the fact that I was still in the waiting I would whisper in my heart for God to “remember me too.”
It wasn’t until a few days after we lost our first child that I finally had the strength to get out of bed and try to pick up the pieces of my heart and push on. It was early and I was staring out the back window when I heard God’s still small voice remind me of 1 Samuel. At first I was angry.. why would God remind me of the words I had been clinging to while I waited for this promise? Reluctantly I marched over to my bible and for the first time I read Hannah’s story from start to finish. My first thought was “SHE HAD TO GIVE THE BABY BACK?!” and my second thought was, “me too.”
I also for the very first time realized that she pleaded for years and even after “God remembered Hannah” time still passed before she became pregnant. The bible doesn’t mention if she went home and cheerfully waited, or if she always believed God would be faithful.. it doesn’t mention if she felt rejected or broken but as a mama who had to wait, had to give her baby back to the Lord and had to believe that God would redeem I’m guessing Hannah spent just as much time weeping, pinning and moping as I have over the last 6 years.
This morning I woke up to texts and calls wishing me a Happy Mother’s day.. it was kind of surreal. For many years my inbox would flood with texts that read a little differently “Happy Mother’s day.. you’re going to make an incredible mom one day.” or in the devastation following our loss “Happy Mother’s day to an Angel mommy.” Today I woke up with a broken heart for any woman who is still in the wait.. and especially for those women who feel they have already lost the battle.
My heart aches for the women who today can barely scroll social media because they don’t feel happy for their friends who are being celebrated with brunch and flowers. They don’t enjoy your surprise announcements.. they can’t even admit how cute your baby looks dressed in her Sunday best.. because it hurts too much. I know that some women didn’t go to church today just because it’s Mother’s day and they can’t stand the way it stings when they hand out flowers to the mama’s or when they dedicate the babies to the Lord. My heart aches for the women who can’t wait for tomorrow simply so it is no longer today.
I wish that I could tell you that once you get what your longing after that your heart will forget the pain of negative tests or the pain of loss but the truth is this side of Heaven you will hurt.. but God can handle the ache and so can you.
A few days ago I was walking into an early appointment for an ultrasound. I was feeling sad because Chris is deployed and I wanted him to be with me.. because I was scared. The truth is after you have sat in an ultrasound appointment and the doctor has taken a deep breath and uttered the words “I’m sorry” to you… it’s hard to breath again in a room that small.
The nurse did the ultrasound and in my head I apologized to God for being so scared and not trusting that He would see me through the next few minutes and the next 7 months. When the nurse let me see our daughter on the screen and I saw her little heart still beating I felt a rush of temporary relief. As I walked out of the building I had the most unbelievable thought. Without even pausing to consider what I was really saying, I thanked God for our miscarriage in 2016.. that might sound insane but I had this thought and it made me feel incredibly strong.. losing the baby hurt like hell, but I SURVIVED.. that means I have no reason to fear my appointments or the doctors office because as much as I pray I never have to walk through that pain again.. I could do it.
I would have never known how strong I could be or how GOOD God really is at healing if I had not had to walk through loss. It was a gift wrapped in a traumatic package.
Maybe today you are aching over the loss of a child or grieving the loss of your own mother.
Maybe you are feeling like the only thing that will bring you joy is the day you will be on the receiving end of a “Happy Mother’s Day.”
Maybe you are in a pit.. feeling forgotten by the world and by your Heavenly Father.
Sister, lift your eyes. God is really good at being God. Resting in him is the only place you will find completeness. You won’t find it in things of this earth.. you won’t find it in titles, or in accomplishments.. you won’t even find it when you are blessed with the desires of your heart. Earthly rewards can’t fill a Heavenly longing.
Happy Mother’s day to any woman who is blessed to raise up littles and also to those who are still holding onto the promise that God will remember you… He will.
We are still assembling our puzzle.. baby Mia is so blessed to have so many people loving on her before she ever takes her first breath. We are so thankful that we haven’t had to walk this journey alone!