Hey sweet friends!
Sorry for the delay in updates.. as we got closer to the transfer date it got more difficult to bring myself to actually sit down and share openly about this part of our journey. Maybe it’s the hormones giving me all the feels or maybe it’s just because it’s actually super difficult to be very publicly vulnerable with such intimate details of our story. Either way, I know that so may of you who are following our story feel so personally invested and it’s only fair to dish up, after all it was some of my very own girlfriends who helped me through some of our toughest seasons with their raw testimonies and willingness to share.
Almost two weeks ago I flew to ATL for our embryo transfer, for those of you who didn’t catch my last update the transfer is the big show.. this is where the baby gets placed via catheter into the uterus. I wish the hard stuff stopped right here but unfortunately even from this point the baby has to implant on it’s own. After having many conversations with close friends who were trying to fully understand the process, I realized that a common misconception is that once the embryo is transferred you’ve reached pregnancy.. however, the embryo must still implant and continue to grow, not every IVF transfer results in a positive pregnancy test.
This part of the process was extremely interesting to me. When I arrived at the clinic for my appointment I felt a little overwhelmed (also I felt a little loopy… thank you muscle relaxer.) Once I was in the room the nurse offered me THE SWEETEST gift “Our baby’s first picture at exactly 5 days old”.. it was for sure a framer.
The actual transfer itself was pretty incredible to watch, the nurse was kind and turned the ultrasound screen towards me and walked me through each step. The doctor on call just so happened to be the same doctor who helped us through our two failed IUI rounds last year, it was nice to see a familiar face since my husband had to stay back in Texas awaiting deployment orders.
When it came time for the embryo to enter the catheter my doctor did so on a count of 3 and told me to keep my eyes on the screen to watch for a small air bubble to appear, once it did I watched as it floated up into position and she took a still shot of the embryo’s first ultrasound.
I left in absolute shock, after years and years of waiting there was FOR SURE a tiny, healthy embryo inside of me. My night guard got some serious use over the last two weeks y’all because stress clenching is real. I had to really focus and be super intentional because yes, I love Jesus but when you feel like you are at an arms length from your dream it’s hard to remember that God’s ways and my ways aren’t always the same.
It’s hard to remember how to believe and not doubt.
It’s hard to remember that we serve the God of the IMPOSSIBLE.
I think I handled my 10 day wait with about as much patience as a child you’ve told “we can go to the park later” … boy, do I love children but the persistence that follows a “we will go later” statement is torturous.
In faith I ordered the cutest swaddle set because even though I have over the years had many moments of battle with unbelief I also love small acts of faith, believing before you can actually hold the victory is something really POWERFUL to me. This had me thinking all week about how easy it is to lose sight of the battle that had to be fought when the victory is on display. Several years ago when I was battling with my weight I would google pictures of models or actresses, fitness professionals and bikini goddesses and I would envy how they looked and I would feel bitter over how I didn’t look the same. It really NEVER occurred to me that those women had to work hard, sacrifice and that they didn’t get to eat stuffed crust pizza and avoid the gym. I think it’s equally important to point out that if you have ever seen a picture of me on any social platform you’d know that I LITERALLY had no idea there were apps that made you more attractive. Where the heck where those when I was in 8th grade?
My point in all of that is that there is always so much more behind the triumph. I think it’s particularly important to point this out in a time when jumping on social media and comparing your life to strangers on the internet is so widely common. So many of you for the last 6 months have been let behind the scenes of our deepest sorrow, our hardest loss and our hearts desire but I want to remind you that while you have traveled along our journey for the past 6 months this story leaves a trail totaling 5.5 years… that’s 5 years of the story that happened offline. 5 years of tears, heartache, failed pregnancy tests, miscarriage, coping, healing, working on our marriage, fighting for answers, doctor appointments and battling with depression. It’s important to remember that before the victory comes the fight, and there are some battles you win by simply outlasting the enemy.
On Thursday, April 4, 2019 we broke through enemy lines.
We got up early Thursday morning and headed to the lab for bloodwork. The night before I spoke to my husband and said that either way was going to be a win. If the test was negative, we would take a break just for a few months so I could get in a healthy head space and we would pick back up when he returns from a short deployment but if it was positive then we would celebrate God’s timing and trust that he will protect us. Late that afternoon our nurse called with excitement in her voice, she shouted ” You are officially 4 weeks pregnant, the transfer was successful!”
I couldn’t even speak. Part of me was like DUH, God can do anything…but also I thought wait, seriously? After I hung up I just sat in shock. Have you ever been given such a grand gift and you are just confident you are totally undeserving? That’s exactly how I felt… like God this is too good of a gift for me, are you sure?
My hesitation in sharing our good news doesn’t come from a place of fear because I know that God will carry us through any potential hard places and we have decided that God’s goodness deserves to be on display. Instead it comes from a protective place. I know there are women reading these words and it hurts.. it hurts and you might not even know me very well.. but now I am just another person who is standing in victory while you are still waiting for God to remember you. I know that sting friend, I know what it feels like to watch all your friends enter motherhood while you watch from the sidelines pretending to be okay with the fact that it’s them and not you.
I know exactly how it feels to throw another baby shower, send another gift, cheer someone else on again when you wish it was you. To you my sweet friend, my prayer is that you would know that God is an abundant God, he lacks in nothing and someone else’s yes doesn’t leave less room for you at the table. In his perfect timing, in his perfect way He will make all things right. I am confident that there will be miracles for those who do not grow weary.
Don’t give up.. your harvest is coming.
To everyone who faithfully reads, faithfully prays, and has financially stood in the gap for us we are eternally grateful for you. Would you continue to pray for us as we celebrate the MIRACLE God has given us?
We are excited to continue to piece together our prayer puzzle, every partnership goes towards the cost of our treatment, travel & storage for our other 6 frozen babies. If you want to partner with us you can do so by grabbing a puzzle piece. Once the puzzle is complete and assembled it will hang in the nursery with the names of everyone who believed with us long before His word came to pass….and his word DID COME TO PASS.
Keep fighting for those dreams in your heart, they are worth the wait.