This week I am writing to you mid-week because by the time I post this blog I will be in Atlanta 1 day out from our transfer! It’s so unbelievable to me that we are so close to finishing our first round of IVF. When we began pursuing a family 5.5 years ago I would have bet everything I own that I would not ever be willing to go through the process of fertility treatments. I was so sure I knew what was right for me… but it turns out just like everything else in life, even this, is not about me. That sure sounds odd.. I mean it’s my moods that are swinging, it’s my booty cheek bruising from injections and it’s definitely my uterus that this sweet embryo is coming home to Texas in.. but this dream, it belongs to God I am just the vessel he chose to carry out this earthly mission.
As humans.. let’s just clear the air, we LOVE for things to be all about us… even my shy peeps, you might not want trumpets blaring and a parade in your honor but no one is exempt from enjoying special treatment or attention (in the way you prefer best.) For me.. in case you’re wondering I’ll take the trumpets and parade, I am a lover of all things over the top. So when God started speaking to me about how even infertility and IVF were not all about me, I didn’t love that because well it sure feels like I am doing some of the heavy lifting.
That just shows you how easy it is to snag up credit for God’s handy work and not even realize it. About a year ago before we ever stepped foot in the fertility clinic that now houses our 7 sweet embryos I began to feel the tug on my heart to welcome a child into our home either through adoption or fostering… or maybe some combination of the two. It’s a little bizarre to in the middle of painful injections praying for treatment to work and dreaming about growing our family in another less conventional way.
I have mentioned to a few friends and of course my husband about this dream brewing in my heart and the reaction I have received has been one of “slow down, you haven’t even found out if this round of IVF worked yet.” and “Don’t give up..God can still do this for you.” I can promise you though, this is entirely a horse of a different color. This dream is separate from my dream to be a mama. This particular place in my heart that longs to welcome in a child with no mama comes from work God has done in my heart over the last 5.5 years.
For me, I FULLY believe we will welcome in a baby through birth. God has given me a peace that I can only describe as “that passes all understanding.” It doesn’t makes sense to dream about having a family and to have to wait and hurt, and feel forgotten and YET still believe that God is good and faithful and will finish what he started.. a faith like that well that’s a gift. Several days ago I was just spending some quiet time talking with God and I asked why would He put the desire to adopt or foster on my heart right when I feel like we are on the tail end of getting our miracle? His response made me blush when I realized how selfish I had become. I had been so concerned about getting my miracle, I forgot that it’s better to give than to receive. I forgot that while I was weeping over desiring to be a mama, somewhere there is a child weeping to be called son or daughter. How could I have let my prayers stop at just blessing me? How could I forget that in the middle of my grief there are other prayers to which I am the answer to?
I am out of this world excited to have a chance.. or 7 to be a mama through IVF but I am thankful that God would not let me settle into thinking I know what’s best for me, for us, or for our family. For now, I am really not sure what walking out this particular calling looks like.. but I have been in this place before and God always provides the answers in his perfect timing.
This message of “It’s not about you” stretches so much further than caring for the widows and orphans.
That weight you want to lose?
That debt you want to pay off?
That charity you want to volunteer for or even start?
That small business idea you have?
The nudge to start a bible study in your home?
The book you want to write?
That thing you want to try but you’re too scared you’ll fail at?
.. It’s not about you, NONE OF IT is about you. Someone needs you to go first, your family needs you to break generational curses, your children need you to set the bar higher, perfect strangers you may never even get to meet this side of Heaven are waiting on you to change the game.
It’s not JUST about you. It never has been.
On Monday and the days that follow leading up to the pregnancy test I am going to speak those words over myself again and again to remind myself that the outcome of this treatment is not about me, God has such a higher perspective and He has chosen me for such a time as this. Ultimately, he knows what our family will look like and I am going to trust that He will be enough to carry us through any valley and I pray that I will remember on the mountaintop who placed me there.
We love y’all so much, you’re our people, our tribe and we couldn’t be more grateful for your support over the last 6 months. If you haven’t partnered with us yet and you want to be a part of our story of bringing home baby James you can click the link below. If you can’t give, pray and if you don’t pray would you share?
If you want a GOLD STAR you can do all 3. No matter what we love you anyways.