Tonight I am writing to y’all from our new home in El Paso, Texas! That’s my excuse for such a long break between posts. Packing, moving, driving across several states and then unpacking and all the while trying not to look like a homeless person so your neighbors will hopefully want to be friends is no easy feat. Thankfully we are mostly settled and we are counting down the days until I fly back to Atlanta for our transfer appointment! To give you a little understanding if you are new around here… a transfer appt. is the Super Bowl of the IVF process. The doctor will thaw out what I am assuming will be the world’s cutest child and transfer that embryo into my uterus then we will pray with everything that we’ve got that it makes a home for the next 9 months!
I have tried my absolute best to be very transparent about our journey to this point partially because I know that there are women like me who feel like they are all alone in a world where it feels like getting pregnant is all too simple. I also shared our entire story because I know there are people who NEED to see what it looks like to find hope in dark places and to still see God’s hand when things don’t turn out the way we think they should, and it hurts.
That being said.. we decided to keep just one little piece of this story to ourselves.. well at least for just a little while. I pretty much despise secrets because I LOVE celebrating but we decided to select the gender… y’all just typing that is WILD. The fact that we even get the opportunity to walk through IVF is more blessing than we deserve but to gain back some of the magic, sparkle and excitement of pregnancy is just a little too good. So for now just know that I’ve ordered a swaddle set in the gender that we have agreed on because I know God is faithful and that he will- in his perfect way fill that swaddle with the exact baby we were meant to hold.
This weekend we found our new church home..for us, finding a place to get fed spiritually matters. The worship band sang all my jams and that was a solid start to this blind church date. Sometimes during worship when I close my eyes and I just let the words wash over me I am finally quiet enough to hear God speak. This weekend He pointed something out to me that in all the hustle and bustle of appointments and protocols I somehow missed. I mentioned earlier that “IVF is a blessing” which sounds kind of odd to me because 1 year ago I felt very different. I don’t know when but sometime during this process God changed my heart and healed the hurt of having to let go of my version of this dream.
For the first several years of infertility and especially after miscarrying I felt super defeated and really angry that God would write my story with such hard places. I felt like a victim. Even walking into this season and asking for help very much left me feeling like I “had to” do IVF.
During worship yesterday the band sang one of my favorite songs by Hillsong and it was like God used it to remind me that not only was IVF a gift but so is our infertility. I have to admit typing that makes me feel a little uncomfortable because I know there is going to be a barren woman who reads these words and it’s going to sting just as bad as when someone else gets pregnant..again. But I know that this truth stretches so much further than just infertility.
These lyrics washed over me and God spoke to my heart..
“I am chosen
I am who you say I am
You are for me
not against me
I am who you say I am. ”
He very carefully peeled back some truth in these promises.
- I am CHOSEN not forsaken 1 Peter 2:9 says: “But you are a chosen people, royal priests, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession. You were chosen to tell about the wonderful acts of God, who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”
Having to walk through years of infertility has been hard, but when I am reminded that I am CHOSEN and not forsaken I am able to cling to the truth that changes an “I have to” into an “I get to.” For years I walked in the defeat of “I have to seek treatment to be able to have a baby.” That perspective left me feeling like damaged goods.. like I wasn’t good enough to do this on my own, I felt broken. But when I lifted my eyes and remembered what God says about me I realized that I haven’t been forsaken or over looked I have been CHOSEN, hand selected by my father to carry out this kingdom mission.
Does it hurt? ..yes.
Is it the way that I wanted it to be?.. no
but God is much better at being God than I am and I can’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t want to feel seen, needed, vital.
So many of us, not just those of us struggling to grow families, walk around with our heads hung low in defeat because we assume being set apart is equal to being set aside…that is a LIE straight from the enemy.
For me, I have decided to look at my circumstances from a more Heavenly perspective.. I GET TO walk out this version of marriage, of motherhood, of life because God CHOSE me.
Many are called but only a few are chosen. Matthew 22:14
2) You are FOR ME, not AGAINST me. When I was reminded of this truth it felt kind of silly, like duh.. of course God is for me, how could I forget? But when you are walking through life with defeat stamped all over you it’s hard to remember what it feels like to stand with winners.
The best way I can describe how God gave me a fresh perspective about this particular truth is reminding you how a parent lovingly corrects a child. It sure doesn’t feel “loving” when you are told you can’t stay up and binge watch the Disney Channel when you are in middle school but man Monday morning sure comes early when you have a sugar hangover and your eyes burn like you have been staring directly into a solar eclipse.
God’s loving correction feels a lot like that.. not good at the time but ultimately He is so much better at life than me. Remembering that we were already fighting from a position of victory sure helped me relax and rest in the truth that God is NOT against me.
I hope that if you are walking through a season of defeat that you too can lift your eyes and fix your eyes one the one who our help comes from. Matthew 6:8 says it like this: “Do not be like them, for your father knows exactly what you need before you ask him!”
He sees the need.
He is for you.. even when it feels like he has surely forgotten.
When we pulled into El Paso just at sunset and I saw mountains and palm trees together for the first time I remembered that He knows what we need long before we do. He sees you and you can rest in confidence that you are fighting from a position of victory, lift your eyes.
We just want to be sure that we express how grateful we are for every prayer, text, check in, donation, puzzle piece purchased.. every single time we are thankful.
We spent some time the other night between unpacking boxes to write out the names of our friends and family who have partnered with us to help fill the financial gap and it was overwhelming how generous y’all have been. One day when we are teaching our child how important prayer is we will point to your names and remind them that they are the product of prayer. They are a living reminder that in our darkest hour, you showed up like a city on a hill for us. We will forever be thankful!
We would love for you to be apart of our story whether that means you partner with us through our miracle puzzle or if you believe in the power of prayer we would love for you to cover us in prayer this month as we wait for God to move!
See you next week!