First off I owe my most loyal readers an apology (shout out to my Grandma and Father in love) for not putting out my usual Sunday blog last week. We had the chance to love on some of our very best friends and we did so for the most part completely unplugged.. and it was memorable! I hope you got to snuggle some kiddos and bake some cookies like we did.. sugar & children laughing is like medicine for the soul.. although I’m 90% sure I have now developed a sugar addiction..mostly because .my diet has closely resembled that of an elf for the past 2 weeks.
The days right before ringing in the new year are some of my favorite.. partially because everyone is finally interested in things that I love all year round.. new workout gear and brand new yearly planners… those two things are my jam 365 but for a few weeks out of the year the world rejoices right along side me for Lululemon and the stationary aisle at Target… I am finally in my element.
There’s just something so fitting about the fact that right after the new year we get to start IVF, now that’s a new beginning I can get behind!
So many people have asked me if I am nervous and even though the list of protocol was umm… overwhelming to say the least I don’t feel nervous but I do have that feeling you get right before you make a big purchase. Like when you buy a new car and they lay the paperwork in front of you and you get a lump in your throat and you want to sign for it but your hands wont stop sweating so the pen is a bit slimy and crap now they are shaking so you look like you signed your name with one of those vibrating pens that changes your handwriting to look all wonky for fun.. only this isn’t fun this is a crud ton of money and you really hope you don’t scratch it before you leave the parking lot…. that’s the only way I can describe how I feel, butterflies.
It’s hard when we are trying to accept the way our story is playing out to not get caught up in the “what should have beens” when Chris and I started talking about babies I thought our biggest decisions would be centered around co-sleeping and whether or not we believed in using pacifiers, not what day we wanted to start injections, how would we finance $20,000 and would we like to have genetic testing done on our embryos. It’s hard in those moments of trying to embrace the way things are with gratefulness to not feel robbed of the joy and surprise of entering parenthood like so many of our friends and family. It’s in these moments of complete comparison that I remember I (for whatever reason) was made for this version of parenthood.
The same is true for you no matter what your hard season is, you were made with all of the strength, ability, and mental toughness to see this through.
The heartbreaking loss of a loved one.
Aging parents or grandparents.
A gut-wrenching breakup.
Your seemingly never ending battle with weight.
You were made to more than just survive this season.. your test will be your testimony.
I decided to share with y’all the top 5 things that I have decided to focus on in 2019.
These are not “resolutions,” we already mapped out our dreams for the year.. these are more so things that I am going to be intentional about to shift the atmosphere around me in 2019.
- Training the voice in my head. (2 COR 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.)
This morning I was laying in bed and I had this vision.. have you ever been in a pool with a small child learning to swim and you tell them to “swim to you” but just as they duck their head under water you scoot back just enough that they have to push themselves further to reach you? It’s a mean trick really… but super effective to get them to do what they think they can’t do. Sometimes though, they catch on and get upset by saying “you moved!”
The thought I had this morning is that the voice in our head that tells us how we feel.. if we like something.. if we believe something.. starts SUPER young. The child in the pool after a few attempts to reach you begins to think “are they moving.. or am I really not able to reach them?”
When we give the voice in our head too much authority and do not command our thoughts to obey Christ.. that voice runs wild. Most of our emotionally based decisions are a direct reflection of what we heard in our head not what is true. So for 2019 I am going to train my “inner voice” to speak to and about myself the way that I speak to my best friends, with love and grace! I am also going to train my thoughts to rest on what is true not what I feel. My emotions just can’t be trusted.. especially when they are swirled with a double shot of hormones. This leads perfectly into the second thing I am going to focus on..
2) Managing my emotions. (Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.)
I have tried pretty much every wrong way to manage my emotions.
Eating my feelings (a personal favorite.)
Shopping the feelings away.
Starting (and stopping) something new.
Manically cleaning my house like it’s some kind of Olympic sport.
Vegging out in front of the tv in my pjs for days.
None of these plans of mine did much for the long term but man were they satisfying in the moment. In 2019 I want my focus to be on recognizing when I am seeking comfort over addressing my feelings. Because as good as stuffed crust pizza is.. I am afraid I will weigh 600 pounds by 2020 if I don’t get a grip on my emotional cheese binges.
3) Have a decided heart. (James 1:8 An Indecisive man is unstable in all of his ways.)
Man, this has to be the most exhausting thing that I struggle with, sure emotional eating results in thicker thighs but at least there is queso. Not being able to make your mind up and to see it through once you have is OBNOXIOUS…and yet I do this daily. Andy Andrews says it like this, “Successful people make their decisions quickly and change their minds slowly. Failures make their decisions slowly and change their minds quickly.” Can you relate to that at all? I take 4 billion years to make my mind up and then I can change it before I even get started, insane! BUT not in 2019, I HAVE DECIDED to decide.
I heard it put like this and I have decided that this will be my 2019 mantra.
“If it’s not a HELL YES, it’s a no.”
That is so simple, yet so profound. So for me.. if it doesn’t bring me the kind of joy a “hell yes!” brings.. then it’s a NOPE! This kind of cut throat decisiveness is just what I need to clean up my cluttered thinking. Do you have a phrase or a mantra for the New year? Maybe just a word? I do that too.. mine for 2019 is CONFIDENT! (If you made it this far and are paying attention I want you to share your word or phrase in the comments so you can commit, be held accountable, be decisive!
4) Treat my body better. (Romans 12:1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God- this is your true and proper worship.)
I said earlier my nutrition has pretty much consisted of anything covered in cheese or chocolate for days.. I am waking up feeling hungover from the sugar.. I have zero tolerance for processed foods or dairy and yet I love them so. This concept is not just about what I put in my body though.. I love clean eating. This is about what I put in my mind.. how much time I spend consuming social media and hulu. It’s also about quality rest, and spending the VERY first part of my day with the Lord. (and making sure that I don’t only spend the first part with Him but that I am intentional to slow down and read, pray and consult the only one who’s opinion I should be concerned with.)
It’s also about not letting so many things stress me out, learning to slow down and find joy in the little moments. Forgiving myself when I slip up and not mentally beat myself up when I fall short. I want to please others less and be content to know that not everyone is going to like me or what I stand for, and that’s okay.
5) Empower myself to learn things that currently intimidate me. (Philippians 4:13 I can do all things though Christ who strengthens me. )
First off, I just need you to know that when I tried to look up that scripture.. “I can do bad all by myself” popped up instead and honestly.. amen to that too.
It’s funny but at the same time so fitting to what the last item on my list is. My husband is pretty much good at everything. (I know for a fact I will regret writing that) but it’s true. Every time I get stuck or frustrated or feel insecure about doing something he comes to my rescue, not always with a smile on his face but he shows up none the less. My dad was like this too.. there was nothing he couldn’t fix for me. I am so thankful to have both of them still so willing to step in and fix what I break (and I break a lot of things.. especially if they involve a computer.) In 2019 though.. I am going to focus on trying to resolve my problems on my own before quitting and asking my husband to fix them for me.
To be honest it’s just so much easier to have him reset the internet than for me to google how. That sounds so lazy but really it comes from a place of fear of failing. I like to do things perfectly and looking back at my history with all things computer/tech/math related I have flopped repeatedly.
Earlier today we went to the store and I asked the girl the price on some embroidery and she gave me a quote and said “well that’s before tax..I would figure that out for you but I didn’t pay attention in school.” I thought amen sister… but in 2019 I am going to push up my sleeves and google my fanny off!
I hope y’all have the kind of 2019 that leads to the very best parts of your story. Thank you all for your love and support, we just can’t wait to share more of our journey to baby James with you!