Welcome to my 60th two week wait..this month is the 5 year anniversary of when we first decided to grow our family. It’s funny how something can seem like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once, it can especially feel that way when you’ve set up camp in the middle of a dream unfulfilled.
Last week we officially did our second fertility treatment, I would be lying if I said that the process seemed as fun and exciting as last time.. the truth is, this fight is HARD. I’m not talking about the actual physical process.. thats just.. uncomfortable. I’m talking about the mental battle waging war in my subconscious. This isn’t just happening to me, we all take mental arrows to the mindset but the true danger is when those wild notions take root.
“…we capture every thought and make it GIVE UP and obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
I love this scripture, but I love most how my bible translates it: Give up. Man can I relate to those words. When my heart feels overwhelmed and I’m just not sure I can keep trying, I cling to these words..I have to stop and COMMAND my thoughts to obey Jesus. I would like to say ” it’s a daily battle” but sometimes it’s an “every other thought battle.”
This week I prayed specifically on this scripture and the thoughts that I have allowed space in my mind. I think the easiest way to understand why our thoughts are so important can be found in a backyard garden.
When we lived in Colorado I had a gorgeous garden but when I first planted it I knew only enough to get the seeds into the ground. A few weeks after starting the garden I took a trip back home and asked my neighbor to water it for me. Two weeks later I returned and I stepped into the backyard to find all sorts of green new life sprouting.. I was a gardening GENIUS! I spent hours watering, pruning and boasting that I was growing a spectacular garden.
It wasn’t a week later I realized that pretty much everything looked exactly the same.. I started to wonder if I had accidentally only planted spinach.. or if maybe I was so good at planting that the spinach had multiplied.. like everywhere?
Turns out I had spent weeks nurturing common garden weeds. I WAS FURIOUS.
My husband couldn’t stop laughing as seconds later after realizing I didn’t have a single edible leaf in my backyard I was savagely tearing out each weed one by one in the middle of the pouring rain. I couldn’t wait until the next day, no, I had nurtured these weeds long enough- they needed to go! After clearing out my “garden” I began to research a little deeper about growing healthy plants in a desperate attempt to salvage my new hobby.
During my research I discovered that weeds grow closely to the plants, they suck up all the nutrients and end up starving out the seedlings… that is exactly how negative thoughts work, they start small.. they slowly suck the life out of your dreams and then they wrap their roots around your belief and squeeze until there is nothing left.. worst of all? They imitate the real thing. All of the weeds in my garden looked just like spinach.. but upon closer inspection, they were imposters! My prayer this week was that God would reveal to me the places where I have let untrue thoughts take root and that even though I knew it would hurt and be hard that he would help me uproot those thoughts and MAKE THEM GIVE UP. Weeds are relentless.. so are untrue thoughts, we must take both captive without ceasing.
This idea of relentlessness reminds me that in order to truly accomplish anything lasting.. you have to outlast. You have to outlast the naysayers.. the failures.. the embarrassment.. the sacrifice.. you have to stay in the game long enough to win.
For most of my life I would have categorized myself as a quitter.. when the going got tough I sure as heck got going.. simply because I believed that I just wasn’t made out of the right stuff to make it work. Now I remind myself I have NOT QUIT for 5 solid years on the dream of being a mama! I want you to imagine that you’re facing an obstacle in your life and I told you that you could have victory but you would have to fail at least 60 times… would you be willing to try and fail over and over? Many people would say yes!… but may people would lose heart.
There are just some battles you win by outlasting the enemy!
This concept of holding out reminds me of how long I prayed for the right guy. Before Christopher came along and scooped me up I spent hours upon hours thinking about my future husband. In high school I even wrote out a prayer containing all the qualities I believed he would have and every night I would read it and believe that God was working out the details.. I wish I had kept that prayer, it’s probably tucked away in an old journal along with all my games of MASH. (Anyone?.. man I loved that game.. except for when I ended up in a shack with no money then I hated it.)
My point is that my dream for a husband started so very young which means that I had to camp out in the middle of that prayer until
1. I was of legal age.
2. Christopher decided he couldn’t live without me.. both of which took too long in my opinion.
Maybe you are in the middle of hard stuff too.
A friend this week reminded me of this scripture and for the season right after I miscarried these were the words I clung to:
“When the man saw he could not defeat Jacob, he struck Jacob’s hip and put it out of joint. Then he said to Jacob,” let me go the sun is coming up.”
But Jacob said, I will not let you go until you bless me.
The man said to him, “what is your name?” and he answered back “Jacob.” Then the man said “Your name will no longer be Jacob. Your name will now be Israel because you have wrestled with God and with people and have won.” Genesis 32:25
I love that.
- Jacob REFUSED to quit.
- God blessed him with a new identity.
If we aren’t careful our toxic thoughts can become beliefs that wrap themselves around our true identity like a weed and begin to constrict. My prayer for you this week is that you can identify some of the thoughts that take up space in your heart and mind that have no business there.. it’s time to make them give up and obey Jesus! Do some pruning this week friends.. and if you’re wondering how to tell the difference between thoughts..
consider this scripture:
“Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things and the God of peace will be with you.”
If it’s not true.. pull that weed sister.
See ya next week,