Normally I write to you guys on Sunday afternoons, I am a routine kind of girl but this week I thought I would type this while the feelings are still so fresh.
Today is Wednesday, the day we are suppose to take a pregnancy test to determine if our first round of fertility treatments worked…unfortunately this round they did not.
I feel different than I thought I would.. over the past 5 years I wonder if I have cried all the tears that I can possibly cry over this dream. When I realized last night that we were going to have to start all over again I could not muster up a single tear. It’s not that I am not upset it’s just that I guess I am clinging to the idea that I believe God knows how badly I want this and that He knows what is best.. so even though my heart disagrees, He must know something I don’t.
It kind of reminds me of when Chris and I were just dating and I got it in my mind that it was time for us to be married. I couldn’t let it go.. at one point in a fit of frustration I tried to ask him to marry me- which he thought was absolutely ridiculous and he turned down my offer. (Rude!)
I was so mad at Chris for not seeing things my way I got a little “hard to handle”… no that’s not quite strong enough I was down right OBNOXIOUS about it.. I was just sure he was never going to ask me to marry him and I let him know that frequently. Once things came to a boiling point and my meltdowns were escalating was just about the time Chris caught me totally off guard with a surprise engagement party…on the way home he let me know that there were several days that he almost just tossed the ring at me and told me that I ruined the special plan because I was so impatient and refused to trust his timing.
Sometimes I wonder if God feels the same way.. like pipe down girl, I have something extra special for you but you won’t just trust me. Of course, I know that God is not frustrated with me the way my husband was but I feel the same urge to rush God along so that I can finally stare into the face that we have waited 5 long years to see.
Yesterday I think I spent the whole day in my head just quieting all the lies that tried to rush in when I found out that the treatment didn’t work this time. It wasn’t until I laid down to go to sleep that my mind finally got quiet enough to make space for the sweetest words to rush in that I found peace, “You are bent but not broken” I heard that over and over until I remembered this scripture (and by remembered I mean I remembered 50% of it and googled the rest.. I really need to get better about remembering where scripture is in the Bible.)
“We are hard pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8
Those words describe perfectly how I feel, I feel the pressure of disappointment but I am not hopeless. I feel confused that I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to get pregnant but know nothing is impossible. I feel like it is unfair but I know I am not forgotten by God.
The truth is I have just decided that instead of “feeling” any certain way I have chosen to remember what is true. (Even though I have to push through really messy emotions and remind myself all the live long day.)
To say that I am practicing being grateful sounds a little too simple.. but honestly that’s what I am doing.
I know there are women who want a husband and I have an incredible one.
I know there are women who want to be able to try fertility treatments and I can.
I know there are women who do not have a relationship with Jesus and therefore have to muster up their own strength and I can lean on His.
The next thing that I am going to type is going to make me sound straight CRAZY.
I am even thankful that my first round of IUI didn’t work because I know in my heart that there is someone reading this who doesn’t believe in the goodness of God and needs to witness something beautiful come from heartache.. instead of seeing someone get everything they want when they want it.
I can promise you one thing.. if you hang around this blog long enough.. you WILL get to witness a miracle, I just don’t know what that miracle will look like.
“I will give them a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:3
Sometimes the best way for me to spend time in the word is to take one scripture and break it down until I can really understand each word.. that is when I hear God’s voice the loudest. The following is my “version” of this same scripture.
“I will give them a beautiful emblem of victory for the remains of something destroyed, joy instead of deep sorrow, dressed in praise instead of hopelessness, they will be called trees that bear excellent fruit, positioned in a place that God’s lavishness can be easily seen.”
When I write out those words and read them over myself, I can’t help but be grateful to a God who would say no to lesser things for me.
So maybe you too are walking through something hard and you are desperately hoping that you can find beauty where you now see ashes. I believe the first step is to find a way to be grateful for EVEN THIS… it wont be easy and maybe like me it will take years for you to come to a place where you can find joy even in the hardest parts of your story but I promise that because God has his hand in it there is joy to be found.
One of my absolute favorite authors Lysa Terkeurst said it like this last night:
“Though our stories may take unexpected twists and turns through the darkest valleys we’ve ever known, God’s plan is still good.
Don’t give up, dear friend. Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop hoping and believing. But also, don’t believe that your way of getting to the other side of your circumstance is the only way. God has a perfect plan for a path to a renewed joy and a redeemed future that’s probably one you can’t even fathom. Trust him. God is here. God is near. God can absolutely be trusted with it all.”
Those words were like medicine for my aching soul and I hope you can take comfort in them too. But my encouragement to you this week is to acknowledge the loudest lie in your mind and find a scripture to replace it with.
For me: Deuteronomy 7:13 “ He will love and bless you. He will make the number of your people grow; he WILL bless you with children.”
PS. We have officially started our 2nd round of treatments.. we still believe!
His way is perfect friends,