Somehow this week managed to drag on and speed by all at the same time. I lived much of my two week wait on the mental battlefield with the war raging between “give it to God” and “I’m pretty sure that was a pregnancy symptom.” I wish that I could say that I have waited gracefully but I’m pretty sure I waited with all the grace I could muster up. I shifted my prayers the last two weeks to ask God to help me be joyful regardless of the outcome instead of asking him to shift the outcome to make me joyful.
We still have a few days to wait until we know if our first round of treatments were successful or not but I have already decided to praise him anyways.. because he is good and his ways are higher. (Please don’t read that and think “oh wow, she’s so strong.”) I will literally praise him with a sobbing face and a broken heart because God is big enough to handle my hot mess crying all while knowing I still believe he can do this for us!
I definitely filled my time trying to find ways to occupy my mind and in the middle of what I am calling “operation distraction” someone helped themselves to my identity. Whoever they are, up and stole literally every piece of private information I had.. including our banking information and then took themselves on a fat spending spree. Thankfully Chris caught the charges early and our bank’s fraud department is working to make it right but the idea of someone waltzing around pretending to be me got me thinking about the concept of “identity.”
The definition of Identity is: The fact of being who or what a person or thing is.
Did it freak me out that someone stole all my private information- yes.
Is it annoying to have to replace everything and start over- double yes.
But did someone truly steal my “identity” – no.
Who I am is found in WHOSE I am.
Did they take money? – yep.. but I am not how much money I have.
Did they take my name? yep.. but Jesus calls me His.
So did they steal my identity?..nope. I am more than the sum of my Earthly possessions, because of whose I am, who I am is not found in things of this world.
I wish I had known that the first year Chris and I were married. After moving away and settling into our new home I would often get asked “so what do you do?” Boy.. that question brought tears to my eyes because I felt like everything that made me..well me.. I left in a cloud of dust back home.
In high school my answer would have been.. “I’m a cheerleader.”
In early adulthood my answer would have been “I’m a hairstylist.”
..but as a new bride I felt like everything that once made up who I was.. was gone and that I had completely melted into Chris’ life… his accolades, his profession, his identity.
My new answer went something like this.
“My husband is in the Army.”
I spent longer than I would like to admit completely consumed by the idea that I no longer knew who I was because I couldn’t attach my identity to my career. It was as if I had decided or rather let others decide for me that who you are is directly connected to a pay check. Now I am not saying that you should or shouldn’t work, I am saying that it doesn’t matter who signs your checks because your identity is not your job.. or your pant size.. or your family.. or your home.
Who God made you to be is ENOUGH to stand alone it doesn’t need a title, salary or approval from others. (Can I get an amen?)
After I came to the realization that my “work” life was going to look different than what I had pictured for myself I decided that I would be a mom (ha! I really thought you could just decide.)… because I couldn’t wait to have a family and how great would it be to answer the “what do you do” question with.. I have 3 children!
When year after year God didn’t bless us with children I began to feel completely empty.. the word I used to describe how I felt was “worthless.” That might sound so harsh but the truth is that you have probably thought or even spoken something equally awful over your own life..
Maybe you have a great job and that makes you proud but you hate how you look in the mirror and you start each morning body bashing before you’re even dressed for the day.
Maybe you have children and even though you’re thankful you can stay home you desire a career outside of the home and because you don’t contribute financially you feel less valuable to your family.
Maybe you want so badly to get out of debt but when you’re sad you shop and because you’re your worst enemy you shame yourself in private for your over spending.
All of these examples directly relate to self-worth… value… identity.
Sister, hear me.. you are worthy, valuable, enough. You have got to let go of the lie that you are less than.
If you desire to weigh less you need to directly attack the reason that you have become overweight to begin with. For me.. it was emotional eating. We have to stop letting it be okay to say things like “comfort food” if you think that God made you perfectly and HIS so that you could go confide in a plate full of mashed potatoes you’re not thinking straight. You deserve better. If instead we would take the lie back to the ONLY one who knows who he made us to be and ask him to tell us the truth we would stop seeking comfort from food.
If you desire to earn income for your family..that is noble. However, if you desire to earn income so that you’re contribution to your family will make you feel worthy.. that is dangerous friend. Placing your worth in things that are here today gone tomorrow is a major gamble.. instead remember that you are ALREADY enough.. already valuable enough, already worthy enough, smart enough, capable enough.. YOU’RE ENOUGH.
And over spending.. boy, am I having to break through this one right now. To be clear we don’t have credit cards.. or extreme debt but I LOVE to shop..I always have. Something this two week wait has revealed to me is that my motivation behind my shopping isn’t always so pure. Buying something I want gives me just the right amount of control over things.. and shiny new things well they sure do a good job of masking feelings.. for a while. But just like carbs and paychecks.. Target bags full of beautiful new things can only temporarily fill the need to find worth.
My prayer for you this week is that you would stop defending the thing in your life that you need to confront.
For me and my emotional spending- well thanks to whoever ran off with my debit information I do not have access to my bank account so I am heading into this week spending zero dollars… praise?
“Consider it all joy, my brothers (sisters), when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” James 1:2–3
A heart that hasn’t been tested, can’t be trusted. You can overcome this identity crisis if you remember EXACTLY whose you are.
See ya next week,